Online Diary
June 5, 2001
The school year is almost over, and as I look back on it, I only ask myself,
what the hell did I manage to accomplish? Absolutly nothing. I wanted to go to Woodinville
to get away from how I used to feel and how my life was going, and all I ended up doing
was hurting myself again, and not being able to wake up in the morning looking forward
to the day ahead. The 'relationship' I was in is over, very over. It feels weird.
The friends I have now are all because of him. Everyone knows who I am based on him. No one
knows me for ME, and now that I'm out on my own, it's like, who am I now? I am at a point
where I'm just trying to figure out what it is that I want, and not what everyone wants me
to be. I got a new job which kicks ass. No more Subway for me. I work at Mr. Rag's now which
is hella cool. I'm looking forward to meeting all those people there and stuff. It's going
to be good for me. I need to get out and enjoy what I'm doing. I need to have fun, and do
things that I want to do. I want to be able to go around in sweats and feel comfortable, not
freak out because I'm not wearing 'normal' clothes. I want to be able to go to school with
no makeup (which somehow I did today as an accident, and survived somehow!) and not wonder
what the guys are thinking when they look at me. I'm sick of girls hating me because I was
with one guy or went out with another, and I'm sick of all the rumors of I said shit about
this person, or I hate that person. It's all bullshit, and at this point in my life I just
don't have the energy left to deal with it. I'm gonna try, again, to live for myself.
-Andrea April 17, 2001 I was at work the other day. I was doing dishes, and we have to put up with listening to the Oldies station.
Believe me. Eight hours of the Dick Clark Countdown... Not cool. But I was listening to the songs, and one of them came on,
and it struck me. I realized it summed up just about how I feel right now with, for lack of a better term, "relationship", I'm
involved in. I hate to call it that, because it isn't. But there isn't anything better to call it. The song was Merilee Rush's
Angel of the Morning. As corny as it is. It's become my own little personal song.
-Andrea March 28, 2001 Nothing in life can hurt more than betrayal. Especially from someone you stupidly assumed cared about you, and would never let you down. I knew it was too good to be true for me to be as happy as I was and for my life to finially for a change just seem to have everything going right and smoothly. Now things will never be the same. Ever. I've been hurt by guys in the past, plenty have made me cry. But it was always just things that happened by whatever chance, and I got over them. Never has someone intentionally done something to me, and then not even cared in the slightest bit that they had ruined someone's life. I'm at one of the lowest points I've been at. I have completely lost trust for basicially everyone, and its going to take a long time, if I ever fully am able to, recover.
-Andrea March 6, 2001 Life for one of the first times, is fun. I love going to school, I love my friends, I love everything. It's so weird to be HAPPY for a change. Almost like I feel bad because
things aren't bad right now. But that would be a good thing if you ask me. I've been meeting so many new people, and have a lot of awsome friends. And I get the joy of chillin with TOTAL
hotties! LoL And even though I'm out of the district, thanks to my friend Jason, I get to see everyone still. He takes me to a parties and stuff, thank God, because if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have much of a social life since I have no car or lisence yet, and I live
so far away from everyone else at school. Classes have been going well, I love my teachers, and most of the other kids in my classes for the most part. It's just so strange, I'm still all
weirded out by being happy.
-Andrea December 18, 2000 Ohh god how things have changed. Well I did get accepted to Woodinville, so I'm really happy there. Things are so much nicer when its a totally fresh and clean start. But you
really learn a lot about yourself when you realize you don't have to fake who you are to conform to this mold you put yourself into in a poor attempt at pleasing other people. A lot of crazy
shit has gone down since Augest... Wow... Most of it I couldn't write about, but its just a lot of things I never would expect. And it just further proved my odd ability to get any guy I would
ever want, no matter how out of reach they seemed, and then screw things up with them. Actually I'm getting a lot better now about that last part. Which I'm quite proud of myself for. I
also went to Mazatlan. You can laugh at my pictures here where I'm totally plastered off my ass. Very entertaining, I know.
-Andrea Augest 16, 2000 Been a long time again. I really need to keep up with this. Well I don't, but I dunno. Since I never actually write in my real one I might as well keep track of things some place.
Been really busy with horse shows recently. It's been fun though. Summer's been fun though. I can truthfully say that this has been the best summer I've had. The beginning kind of sucked, but
things turned around about a month and a half ago, and its been great ever since. I've had my faith restored in guys LoL And I am starting to think that there maybe, just maybe, a few more good
ones out there than I first suspected. At least I've been lucky enough to have one of them fall into my life, and I've experienced some of my happier moments, since I've met him. I'm slowly
becoming a lot more self assured, and taking more control of things. (Even though it may not seem like it to him! lol) And I owe him the world for that. Along with all the, ummm.... favors...
he's done for me. LoL But it's been nice to be really really happy. It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and it feels so good to have that extatic happiness all the time, and
for the first time, it's because of something that really matters, not some superficial bullshit. I realize this isn't going to last forever, hell, its probably over once school starts
because of distance issues and stuff. But this is going to be one helluva summer to remember.
-Andrea June 5th, 2000 Well, it's been quite a long time since I wrote last. Oh well, not like my life is exactly the most thrilling thing to read about I'm sure. I havn't really done a whole lot
worth reading about. I mean, well, I have, but its things that the whole world really doesn't need to read about, yanno? After waiting for five long years, I finially got my braces off, I get the last
few brackets off tomorrow, and get my retainers. Wahoo.... LoL But yeah, I don't really know what to write about. Ummmm I went to a few horse shows a while back, did pretty well. The guy situation
has been, well, interesting to say the least. A few things I really really didn't expect to happen did, and I'm still not quite sure what to think about the whole deal. Although I'm not complaining. :)
So yeah. Ummmmm I went camping memorial day weekend. Saw Shane, Sean, and Brian (if you guys read this - Hi!! hehe) and that was fun, I missed them a lot, and now that its over, I miss them again.
But I'll see them next year. Well, the end of the year is coming in ten school days which is some pretty crazy shit. I'm gonna miss everything, especially since I'm going to a private school next
year and won't see any of my friends really. But thats ok, life goes on. So yeah, I don't have anything else really worth sayin so I guess thats it.
-Andrea Dec. 23th, 1999 Wow. It's been another long time since I've written. Not too much to say I guess. I did end up getting Randall's phone number, and I've also gotten to see him the other day. But yeah. I was recently in a car accident,
so I've been laid up for a while. Been in physical therapy, which pretty much equilivents into getting a back massage for an hour, and then getting electric stimulus. Although I'm not complaining, it feels good. But yeah. Got 1st trimester grades.
Ha. Those were a joke. Oh well. I'll do better next time. Maybe I won't. All depends. But yeah. Not much to say I guess. I havn't really done anything worth writing about. Actually, I guess I could write about a party I went to. Here's the layup:
I went to a party, hung out, saw some people I don't see that often, and went home. It was fun tho. I finished up my xmas shopping today, and then came home and realized I forgot to buy for one of my friends. Oops. Oh well. I'll get her a present sometime.
But yeah. I'm out.
-Andrea Nov. 13th, 1999 I'm really sleepy..... I was at an all nighter last night with my friends youth group and it was way so much fun! From like 7:30-10:30, we had to listen to these gay guys sing, but it wasn't a big
deal because we just talked the entire time. It was me, Amanda, Jessica, Aimee, Dez, Randall, and his friend Jesse. We were like our own little groupie deal. Then at 10:30, we all loaded into the bus, with Randall kindly
pulling me in so hard he threw me into the inside top of the bus (ouch!) but it was tons of fun. We went to Alfy's at like 11 for pizza (this is PM mind you) and we ate "dinner" and then got back in the bus. We went to Highland
Ice Arena for ice skating, where me and Jessica attempted to sleep, with no help from Randall who insisted we go on the ice and freeze our asses off. He fell down though so it made it mildly entertaining :) Then we went to
Kenmore Lanes and went bowling. It was so much fun. I bowled as fabulous as I always do lol. Nailed a 54 game heh. I won the next one with a 74 though so that was good for me. Then we got back on the bus and went to the Mt. Lake
Terrace Rec. Center. I got into my new bikini (which i love ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh so much!! blue string bikini and its so cute!) but I didn't end up swimming. I just played raquetball with Jessica and Randall. But I'm glad I had my bikini
on too cuz it got really hot so I had that on with shorts. Then we were all really sleepy (it was like five in the morning now) and we went to McDonalds and had breakfast. Then we headed back. It was a ton of fun, and I came home and
slept till like 4. But I don't really know what else to write. Im like sad though cuz Randall's really sweet and all and he's in Or. now and I don't have his phone # or nuttin! But oh well. I'm sure I'll see him again someday.
-Andrea Oct. 22, 1999 I'm seriously not keeping up with this thing. Oh well, not like anything abnormally thrilling has happened in my life to write about :). I had a school dance a while back, it was pretty fun.
Only danced wit three people, but I hung out a lot with a buncha my friends which made things worth going. But I'm like hella grounded (i'm not even supposed to be on the computer if i'm not doing homework. oh well)
cuz my mom is in a hella bitchy mood, and blames everything on me. Its suddenly become my fault that things may not go totally perfectly in her life, so I must be punished (aka - grounded for the rest of my life) for it.
Thats so a bunch of shit and its pissing me off major big time. I mean, sure, I may take some things out on her - its totally normal. But its only because I'm forced to live this sort of double life. I have my "make mom happy"
life where I act like a fucking angel all the time who could never do anything wrong, wouldn't swear, wouldn't ever even dream of doing *anything* with a guy, i mean, i wouldn't even be friends with one, and its pathetic.
I hate acting that way, but I'd be locked in the house for two lifetimes, not just one, if she knew how I really was. Anytime I'm not around her, I'm myself. I am the exact opposite as anything listed above. It has got to be
one of the most frusterating thing a person can do. Its such a hard thing for me to tiptoe around anything i say, do, or think, because its the one thing I shouldn't have to do that over. I feel like I'm being like judged
all the time by her. Like I mean, she's all like "i'll love you for whoever you are" and then she goes on saying shit about how my friends act and how they dress and how i dress, and all that shit, and how if I acted the way so
many teenagers my age are, I'd be in so much trouble. She has no idea that thats the way I really am. Maybe that's why I'm stressed out all the time. I'm tired of walking on glass here.
-Andrea Sept. 30, 1999 Wow its been a long time since I've written. Oh well. I have a life believe it or not :). I went to get my upper GI yesterday. It sucked. Barium is the most disguesting thing I have
ever tasted in my entire life, and they made me drink like three cups of it. And you could feel it like weighing down your stomach. But first they made me eat these Pop Rocks type things, that tasted
really icky, and do log rolls around the exam table. It was weird and the things popping in your stomach hurt. Im still a little queazy from the barium. It made me almost throw up. Ugh. Oh well. School
was mildly amusing today suprisingly enough. I am actually liking this year! hehe My media class is sooooooo much fun, I love it to death. My other classes kinda suck, but they're still tons of fun.
They are amazing compared to last years classes (except for science - same teacher), but compared to my media class they suck. I'm so glad I dropped out of band. I'm having way to much fun! hehe I got
my ASB card today. I have never seen a worse picture of me in my entire life. It doesn't even look like me! And, to make things worse, your ASB card picture is your yearbook picture. So that means I have
to get retakes, which I'm scared out of my mind to do. I've always been afraid of retakes, because what if my retake is worse then the first one? Then what do you do? You're stuck with a shitty picture
when you could've just had a semi shitty picture instead of a hella shitty picture, but I guess thats just the risk you're taking. My scanner's bein mean, but once it works, I'll scan the ASB card.
You'll see how horrible it is! Anyways, that's about all I have to say for today. I got a cute Tommy Hilfiger watch at the Bon yesterday. Its cute and sporty :)
-Andrea Sept. 16, 1999 I've been at school all week so far. I'm so proud of myself. :) I've been in and out of different hospitals, letting them poke and prod me. I've gotten blood test after blood
tests, G.I.'s, x-rays, everything. I'm hoping for an answer soon. The football game was a blast. Saw lotsa hotties. I wanna go to Woodinville really bad, but we'll see. I most likely will, its
just working the waiver issue out. I got my first infraction at school today ever. It sucked. And it was for a gay reason too. I was at a lab station with a group of 5, when the teacher said
"Get into groups less than 5." so it was a group of two, and a group of three (me and another girl, and a group of three guys) discussing something before we left out to do our own little thing,
and the teacher came over, bitched us out, and wrote us all out infractions. I wonder what she'll put on them. "Was in a group of 5, not 4"? Anyways, I get to miss school in like a week, I'm going
in to get an x-ray of my intestines, where they like don't let me eat for like almost a whole day, the sit me in a room, make me drink a chalky stuff, and watch it go through my intestines to see
what happens. If I get to miss school, it should be for something more fun. Not to starve myself, eat chalk, and sit infront of a thing pumping radiation into my body. Doesn't that sound fun?
Anyways, I have to lab write ups to do for biology for tomorrow with the bitchy teacher, so I must be off to finish those.
-Andrea Sept. 11, 1999 Finially had a day where I didn't wake up sick. Horray! A little stiff in the muscles, but oh well. Didn't do a whole lot. May be going to a football game with Dana in a few.
I hope. Go and pick some hot woodinville guys up. Wouldn't that be nice? We'll see how it goes though. Went to the barn today. Some hot guy who I didn't know showed up. Must have taken a wrong
turn or something. I dunno. Of course I had just bathed my horse so I'm covered with shampoo suds and stuff. But oh well. Thats life. He was like 19 or something anyways. Not much else to say for now,
if anything intresting happens at the game, maybe I'll write about it. We'll see.
-Andrea Sept. 10, 1999 Missed school again. I'll be there next monday though. Not looking forward to it. Oh well.
Didn't do much today. Woke up with a cold sore. How exciting. I may go to a football game tomorrow. We'll see. Depends on
who's gonna be there. Nothing too exciting happened today. Just sat around home all day, and looked through a few
magazines for some stuff to buy. Found a few cute shirts, but my mom thought they were either to revealing or to tight.
Guess that just means I'll have to get my own money to buy them myself! hehe Not much else to write for today.
-Andrea Sept. 9, 1999 Missed school again today. Didn't feel to good in the morning. Slept in till 1:30. Oops, oh well. I'm gonne be really screwed when I go back to
school though because of the amount of homework I've missed. Not much to write about right now, because I only got up exactly twenty minutes ago, and I could write about
the fact that I'm mad that nothings on TV, but whats the point. So maybe I'll come to this later and write something useful. Then again, maybe I won't.
-Andrea Sept. 8, 1999 This origionally had a huge ordeal typed here, and a few people got to read it. But after talking to a few people, I'm not filled with as much
anger as I was, and I'm feeling a little better about things. I'm kinda glad I got sick. Gave me a day to really think some things through, and really get what matters straightened out.
So I guess all I can write here is this. True friends are the most important things in the world. Once you find it, keep it. They'll be there for you no matter what. Also, since Matt wanted to
be on my webpage somewhere, and I said I'd put him here, "Hey Matt!" Ok, you're in it, be happy :) I'll put a pic sometime. Send me one you want, I'll put it in. In response to Bobbee, the bikini
pic will be up sometime, whenever I find time to do so, and Alex, we so need to hook up. Forget Jenny :) hehe. And everyone who helped me through everything - a huge shout out to you. I love you guys!
-Andrea
There'll be no strings to bind your hands,
Not if my love can't bind your heart.
And there's no need to take a stand,
For it was I who chose to start.
I see no reason to take me home,
I'm old enough to face the dawn.
Just call me Angel,
Of the Morning, Angel.
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
Just call me Angel,
Of the morning, Angel.
Then slowly turn away...
From me.
Maybe the sun's light will be dim,
And it won't matter anyhow.
If morning's echo says we've sinned,
Well it was what I wanted now.
And if we're victims of the night,
I won't be blinded by the light.
Just call me Angel,
Of the Morning, Angel.
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
Just call me Angel,
Of the morning, Angel.
Then slowly turn away...
I won't beg you to stay...
With me,
Through the tears.
And the pain,
Of the years.
Baby, baby,
Just call me Angel,
Of the Morning, Angel.
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
Just call me Angel,
Of the Morning, Angel.
Just touch my cheek before you leave me.
Its like, you hurt so bad because of what you put yourself through. But you're the one that
wanted it in the first place, so you aren't going to say anything about it. All you want is just
to feel appreciated, and a little bit of love. But you don't say anything. You don't want the other
person to realize you're hurting, and most likely what you are doing now isn't helping, but
just leave, I'll suffer through the heartache by myself.