3:38 yesterday morning, my cell phone rang. It wasn't its normal ring, it was the ring set to people that are worth waking up for. I can sleep through all the other rings, but I quickly snap awake when I hear this one go off, that only a select few people are set to. I look at the ID, and smile when I see what it says. I answer it, and hear that voice on the other line. The familiar voice that used to send shivers down my spine when I would hear it, because he was that important to my life. Then it became the voice of nothing but pain and hate. Whenever I heard that voice, I would just want to scream. Now, I dont really know how to react when I hear it. He tells me he's on his way home, and asks what I was doing. I say how I am jus layin around, and he says he's on his way, he's stopping over.

I never for a second ever thought that things would ever be able to be like how they used to be. So it almost scares me to know now that they can. It took me so long to move on before, and having our "friendship" that we had, although it was somewhat of a lonely empty feeling one, it was probably a better idea then where things are at now. At least I wouldn't have been able to be hurt. But once again, I put myself into a vunerable situation. But I am hoping that if it continues, I have learned my lessons from the past, and will be smart about how I play my cards this time. And if I don't, at least I'll be better prepared for the heartache that will come my way.

-Andrea

December 10, 2001

Wow, It's been a lil while. I've just been so busy with everything I haven't really had the energy to sit down and contemplate the meaning of my life again to write in here LoL. A lot of things have happened recently. I've been back in school a while, and I'm finially making some decisions for myself. I'm actually pretty happy for a change. In the beginning, I started to kind of fall into some of my old habits and stuff, and that wasn't too good. I started to feel all betrayed again and stuff. But then I realized that I was bringing everything onto myself. I couldn't blame anyone other than me for everything that was happening. So I took a stand on it and was like what the hell. This isn't the way I want things to work. So I changed them.

After everything ended with that one guy, I was kind of thrown out on my own. It took a lot of adjusting. It was hard. I missed having him around, but most of all, as weird as it is, I realize now that the thing I missed the most was having every decision made for me. Since I didn't know who I was, I needed someone who was very forward and very head strong and knew exactly how they wanted things done, and he was like that. And since I had no opinions for myself, I needed someone with strong opinions of their own for me to kind of form as mine. I realize now, that I wasn't a person. Thats what was so hard about being on my own. I actually had to be MYSELF. I had to realize what I wanted, and how I wanted things done, and form decisions. And I was scared. But he left my life totally, and I had time to decide who I was. It was one of the hardest things for me to have to go through. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. But it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I spent the summer doing things that I wanted to do, and spending time with the people I wanted to spend time with. And, about a month ago, he fell back into my life again. At first, it hurt a lot. I had already put myself through misery. I'd been to hell and back, and was finially on my way to recovery. I was putting that portion of my life behind me, and moving forward. And then it was a slap in the face to have that obstacle thrown back into my life. I get this phone call, and I heard that all to familer voice on the other end of the line. I just wanted to scream. Tears streamed down my face as I talked to him, and he's asking how I am doing. How am I doing? HOW AM I DOING? Oh! I'm doing just FINE! How nice of you to CARE! It was so hard to not throw that cell phone out the car window at that moment. I could just feel my heart ripping out my chest. I had suffered for a year. Suffered when he was here. Suffered when he betrayed me. Suffered when he left. And then I was fine. I was moving on, and forgetting about him. And fate was toying with me. I thought I was getting a chance to have my life back, and he was thrown back into the picture. It was just the worst feeling in the entire world. But then I heard words I never thought would come out of his mouth. 'I'm sorry'. I didn't know what to do, and everything around me just stopped. He was apologizing to me. But I realized how things worked in the past. I accepted his apology, but now am taking control of the situation for myself. If he's going to put an effort out towards rebuilding a friendship, then thats great. I'll take whatever he's giving. But no longer am I going to sit there and be taken advantage of like I was before. I will not put up with someone walking all over me like that. I refuse to personally put any effort out. Any effort being put out will be strictly coming from him. I could have been the greatest thing that had happened to him, and he lost out. So I'm not going to try anymore. But if he wants to, I'm not going to push him away, but if he pisses me off at all, thats it.

On friday, my horse left. I leased him out to a little ten year old girl who absolutly adores him. He's gone for six months for sure, likely, they'll buy him. At least thats what I'm hoping. I just didn't have time anymore for him. Its so weird to realize the one stable thing I had in my life is gone. It was the only thing I could ever depend on, and now its gone. I also lost the other thing I really liked in my life LoL I got in a really really bad car accident on wednesday night. I'm typing this very drugged up on vicodin. So I'm sure I'll read this in a few days and be like woah. I don't make a whole lotta sense! But thats alright. I was at a stop sign, turning to the left, a car was coming from my left with their right turn signal on, and I pulled out, and they drove straight into me. Totally 100% my fault, but I'm sure payin for it. Shattered the drivers window with my head, twisted my spine, and messed my shoulder all up. If it had hit the drivers door, about a foot farther back then where it did hit....Well, I wouldn't be typing this right now.

And why is it that fate always fucks with me. The night of the accident, a friend of mine ended up being two cars behind me. She stayed with me while the police were there and helped me clean my car out and stuff. Another good friend of mine, who I had a thing with last year, but we stayed better friends, had called me earlier, and was in the area. I called him and told him what happened, and he rushed up there asap. He stayed with me also. I realized that night how much he really meant to me. He was so sweet, and I realized how I deserved to be treated by guys. All the ones in the past who'd just taken advantage of me and used me and made me feel worthless, all those feelings disappeared the minute he showed up, walked up behind me, put his arms around me and kissed my head, and whispered in my ear that everything really would be alright. That I was alive, and that was all that mattered.

He talked to me on the phone the next day, and he offered to pull the stereo out of my car for me. He also told me that he thought the other friend of mine that was there was pretty cute. So I told her that. She was really excited. I spent the day before yesterday with him as he pulled the stereo out of my car for me. He was just so damn good to me. I felt loved for once. He appreciated me. We talked a lot, just about everything, and when he dropped me off, he hugged me again, and I felt like how I did at the accident. I felt like everything was alright. We talked on the phone that night for hours. We talked a lot about me, and everything I'd been through the past year, and we talked about us. I realized then, that although right now I am not ready for a relationship, that I loved him. But, for some reason, I couldn't get those words out. I wanted to tell him so badly how much he meant to me, and how there had been so many things I had gone through, that he was there for, and if he hadn't been, I don't know how I would have made it. And he knows everything about me. EVERYTHING. If anyone were to judge me totally honestly on who I am and everything I've done, it would be him. If anyone had a reason to hate me, or to say stuff about me, it'd be him. Yet, for some reason, he still adores me. But the greatest thing about him, is I am myself around him. And he knows who I really am. I have never had to put up a front when I was with him. And he realizes that the way a lot of other people percieve me, isn't really who I am. When we were talking, he was analizing me for over an hour. And he got every single thing he said right.

So of course he wants me to go with him to this thing he had to go to last night. But I was in way too much pain to do it. So what does he do? He takes my friend. When I talk to her last night, she's now fallen for him -- and hard. When I talk to him, he tells me honestly, how torn he is. He says he knows how he feels about me, but realizes what point in my life I'm at right now. But she has lived such an innocent life. She's totally untainted. And she's ready for a relationship, and NOW. But now I'm at a point where no matter what happens, I'm fucked. When I started telling her about him, I didn't realize how I felt about him. So I told her how amazing he was and how I thought they'd be good together. But now I know how I feel. If I hook up with him, I'm taking him away from her. If I let them hook up, I am going to have to realize that I let him go. And to rub it in more, she'll talk about him all the time. It's just put me in a horrible position that I dont want to be in.

So once I feel like I've possibly finially found happiness, it gets ripped away from me once again...But if I've pulled nothing else out of these past few days, I realized what it is that I need. I found what is going to make me happy, and that I've been trying to get the wrong thing for the longest time. Thats why I've never been happy. So if nothing else, at least I've taken that from the past few days.

-Andrea